Archive for the ‘Not Real News’ Category

EA Games to release Porn Star™

Following in the wake of their successful multi-peripheral music game, Rock Band, Electronic Arts announced today the forthcoming release of Porn Star for PlayStation 3, XBox 360 and Wii gaming consoles.

“People have been saying for far too long that EA just churn out annual updates to existing franchises, but this is a brand new IP that I think takes the whole concept of peripheral based gaming and busts it wide open.” Commented lead designer Randy Smith at EA LA.

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Breaking: Britney Spears converts to Scientology

Britney can do science!Earlier today in a dawn ceremony held at the Scientology Celebrity Center in Hollywood, California, Britney Spears was inducted into the religion boosted by mega stars such as Tom Cruise and Will Smith.

Under the watchful eye of some of Scientology’s top minds, Britney was successfully audited during the ceremony and sources have revealed that she will skip directly to the OT3 (Operating Thetan) level, such was her competancy in key areas of the audit; Cashflow and Mental Fragility.

“We’ve been patiently waiting for the right moment to introduce Britney to the wonders of Scientology for a long while now, ” Our source told us, adding “we were very encouraged when she denounced Kaballah a couple of years back. And, lets face it, when you’ve been married to Kevin Federline and he’s been declared the sensible one you’re about as ripe as targets get for us.”

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Shopkeepers Face Washout

Local shopkeepers are feeling the bite of a wet October, as sales of traditional Bonfire Night fireworks are noticeably down on previous years. Bhim Paramjeet, owner of a corner shop on the outskirts of Liverpool, feared that this autumn could mark one of the worst in terms of sales.

“Sure, I have sold many boxes of fireworks to the youths that come and go. But where is the fun in standing in the pouring rain, waiting to blow the face off of an innocent passer by when you are so wet the colour in your shell suit is running?” Paramjeet explained, adding “I start selling the boxes in oh, say, late September, and expect the teenagers to be back in droves right up until mid November at least. This year, due to the torrential rain they have not come back to re-stock as frequently, so my takings are down.”

We asked Paramjeet whether he knew that the local casualty department had been pleased with the downturn of firework related injuries this year, but that did not seem to offer him any comfort.

“That’s all very well for them, but me? I’ll have to put the christmas decorations up on the sixth of November and hope I can sell some of these bloody fireworks to the idiots that like to mark the coming of the new year with them.”

A Met Office spokesman told us that the wet weather looks set to continue for the coming weeks, so if you’ve ever wanted to venture outside at this time of year, perhaps now is the time to do it.