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Whatever happened to the Milky Bar Kid?

I mean the Milky Bar Kid from my childhood – the late 70’s and early 80’s, who’d save the day each time the banditos attempted a milky bar heist. He must be well into his 30’s now, and I often wonder where he ended up.

I bet he’s in some really dull job, like working in a pension processing depot. Maybe to this day he’s still riddled with the insecurity that causes him to stand up on a wooden box at afternoon tea break time and announce “The Milky Bars are on me!” so he can remain popular.

I bet they all rip the piss out of his cowboy outfit at the pensions depot. Not to his face, obviously – they wouldn’t want to miss out on their afternoon Milky Bar, not that he’d ever deny them. Secretly, though, it eats away at his soul that they ridicule him whilst being perfectly happy to undulge in his wares.

Some days are worse than others – he’ll catch himself in such dispair that he starts to wonder how much more respect he’d command if his guns weren’t plastic. But no, that’s not the kind of recognition he wants. He just wants someone to show him some unconditional love that isn’t bought by sweet white chocolate favours.

He never regrets taking on the mantle of The Milky Bar Kid, though. He made a promise to protect and distribute, and each time they sung The Milky Bar Kid is tough and strong it swelled his heart with so much pride he felt that he would burst with happiness.

It wasn’t a job, it was an honour and a privilage.

If he has one regret, it’s not following things up with that cute mexican girl who would gush “Eets da Meelky Bar Keed!” each time she saw him. At the time his young ego adored the fact she was so in awe of his pristine white uniform and undeniable talent for thwarting banditos. Perhaps if just once, instead of basking in the worship of those who were feasting on his Milky Bars, he’d instead turned to the cute mexican girl and told her that hers was the face he looked for in the crowd each time.

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Everything we do

Bryan Adams, I have been to two of your concerts. I enjoyed myself on both occasions. I thank you for that.

Now, with that said, the legacy of that song of yours that stayed at number one for an eternity has turned all guys into utter doormats. The Spice Girls didn’t exactly help later on with all that girl power shit either, but you set the ball rolling Bryan. You’re responsible for tipping the scales in their favour.

I think it’s only fair to ask; when you said “Everything I do, I do it for you?” did you really mean that or were you just trying to get some action?

If you meant it then, well, thanks for sticking us all in the same boat. And, if you didn’t mean it, well, you’re a selfish son of a bitch because your blatant disregard for the consequences of your early 90’s chat up line resonate to this day.

“I would give it all, I would sacrifice” – you just didn’t know when to quit, Bryan – the everything I do line was a virtual pant remover, and you had to go on with the crazy talk that the chicks still believe a decade and a half after the torrid ballad finally faded from the charts. How badly did you need to get laid, Bryan? Were you a test pilot for the early viagra lab tests or something?

Good god Bryan, did you ever stop to think of the damage you were doing to the very foundations of mankind?

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Foxit Reader

Foxit Reader is a nifty replacement for the infuriatingly slow and bloated Adobe Acrobat Reader. Should you be forced to read the file format from hell, you might as well do it with an app that isn’t going to thrash your machine while it loads, willy waves about how many patents have gone into it, then phones home for yet more bloatware to add to itself. At less than 1Mb, Foxit Reader might actually make PDF’s a tollerable file format.

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