Tonight I was at a loss as to what to have for dinner. I’ve had these Quorn balls in the freezer for ages and I keep meaning to use them for something, so now seemed the ideal time.
With only half a plan in my head I placed six balls in a bowl in the microwave, with some sweet and spicey rice in its packet beside the bowl. This gave me three or so minutes to conjure up some kind of sauce to add to the above.
Raiding the cupboard, I made myself a concoction of random amounts of ketchup, mustard, mayonaise, vinegar and, after tasting, some honey to try and rescue the situation. If I’m being honest, it didn’t quite end up as tasty as I’d imagined it would do, so the honey was an attempt at sweetening up the brown gloop before me.
The balls and rice were ready now, so I stuck the sauce in the microwave for a minute while I neatly arranged the quorn balls on the bed of sweet and spicey rice. Not quite sure why I allowed myself to get ahead of things at this point, but in those Jamie Oliver adverts he always seems to be throwing any old shit together and conjuring up wonderful meals, so I was kind of looking forward to eating my dish in the same way Jamie’s hipster friends must do.
With a ding the super foxy sauce was ready and I poured it directly onto the meatballs. It was a little thicker than I’d hoped for, but I knew the milk was on the turn so I had nothing to thin it with. Besides, I was hungry – time for my tastebuds to take the super foxy fork ride to heaven.
Well, I thought, this is promising – couple of mouthfuls in and I haven’t yet gagged. Sadly, the gagging would arrive at the same time as the fourth meatball. I misguidedly opined that there was no way it could be the super foxy sauce. I was simply guzzling and eating more slowly would cure that.
Eating more slowly actually gave my tastebuds more time to register their disapproval.
“You are feeding us ketchup and mustard coated fake meat you great twat – it’s disgusting, STOP!” My tastebuds cried in unison.
I initially ignored their pleas, such was my determination to add Super Foxy Flaming Balls to the list of my culinary highlights along with Super Foxy Stir-Fry’s. It wasn’t long before the gag reflex ensured that I had to abandon the meal one meatball short of a helping.
Now I feel terrible. Really terrible. My stomach is churning and, well, I don’t think Super Flaming Foxy Balls are going to become part of my regular diet. Truth be told, I’m probably not going to eat them again. Ever.
Lesson learned. Damn you Jamie Oliver. :o(