Category: Not Real News

Melanie “Mel C” Chisholm has today revealed that she’s not a rock chick after all and never was, for that matter.

The 29 year old northern lass has finally admitted defeat in her attempts to make it as a credible solo artist since the demise of the Spice Girls. It turns out that having the talent of a reasonable Sunday night pub-Karaoke singer just doesn’t cut the mustard when you’re up against the angelic tones of Christina Aguilera or Shakira.

The wannabe biker grrrl stated in a press release that “The rocker image seemed like a good idea, but it just wasn’t selling cd’s or getting air-time. That’s why my new single, On the Horizon, sounds more S-Club than Suzi Quatro. Now that S-Club are out of the way I can fill the void left for cheesy, production line pop and cut the pretence.”

Some feel that Mel is more than qualified to fill that “void” – something she alluded to further into her statement:

“It was all a bit Mickey Mouse anyway – I don’t even like wearing leather – for a porky girl like me it would chafe like buggery.”

Quite.

For the first time in its four year run, the UK version of the reality television show “Big Brother” has failed to include a house member of a non-hetrosexual persuasion.

Although production company Endemol refuted the claims as circumstantial, OffGay, the official watchdog set up to ensure adequate penetration of non-hetrosexual television personalities, issued the following statement:
“Endemol have been extremely short sighted this year – Big Brother needs at least a gay housemate – it’s part of the heritage of the show, even if they cant stretch to a lesbian.

Honestly, where do they think this years crop of Saturday morning telly presenters are going to come from? Brian Dowling will be moving into the evening slot any time soon and with Julian Clary getting a bit long in the tooth we really need a youth injection.

They’ll live to regret it, of course – come week five when there are fewer housemates and they’re down to the dull ugly birds, they’ll be crying out for someone to camp it up.”
With Graham Norton becoming more annoying by the evening, OffGay could have a point. However, it is a little rich of them to expect Big Brother to annually audition prospective non-straight personalities, before letting them practice on screen for a number of weeks.

By contrast, branding managers are said to “be over the moon” with the easy on the eye appearance of the majority of the contestants. With talking animals and computer generated advertising stars becoming a tired formula, you can bet that even mid-distance evictees will be selling us household products before the year is out.