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Shopkeepers Face Washout

Local shopkeepers are feeling the bite of a wet October, as sales of traditional Bonfire Night fireworks are noticeably down on previous years. Bhim Paramjeet, owner of a corner shop on the outskirts of Liverpool, feared that this autumn could mark one of the worst in terms of sales.

“Sure, I have sold many boxes of fireworks to the youths that come and go. But where is the fun in standing in the pouring rain, waiting to blow the face off of an innocent passer by when you are so wet the colour in your shell suit is running?” Paramjeet explained, adding “I start selling the boxes in oh, say, late September, and expect the teenagers to be back in droves right up until mid November at least. This year, due to the torrential rain they have not come back to re-stock as frequently, so my takings are down.”

We asked Paramjeet whether he knew that the local casualty department had been pleased with the downturn of firework related injuries this year, but that did not seem to offer him any comfort.

“That’s all very well for them, but me? I’ll have to put the christmas decorations up on the sixth of November and hope I can sell some of these bloody fireworks to the idiots that like to mark the coming of the new year with them.”

A Met Office spokesman told us that the wet weather looks set to continue for the coming weeks, so if you’ve ever wanted to venture outside at this time of year, perhaps now is the time to do it.

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Sophie Ellis–Bextor in implant revelation

Viewers witnessing Sohpie Ellis–Bextor doing the rounds on the chat show circuit wont find it hard to spot the difference between her new lick of paint in contrast to her previously aloof “Murder on the dance floor” image.

However, the singer’s new blonde hair, teamed with short skirts and cleavage presenting tops, are the changes which are only skin deep. has learned that during her gap year between albums, Ms Ellis–Bextor attended a top Harley Street clinic in order to have a personality implant fitted. The delicate procedure was actually performed some months ago by top surgeon Dr William Offenhausle.

Dr Offenhausle candidly revealed that Ms Ellis–Bextor had been the first person to undergo the revolutionary procedure. “Not that we do this kind of thing very often, but usually it’s the other way,” the good doctor explained, “We had Dale Winton in a few years back for a reduction, oh, and Jeremy Clarkson was in for some humility at one point, but this is actually the first time we’ve had to implant an entire personality. Indeed, it’s rare that a person should be so entirely bereft of wit, charm, humour and all of the other traits associated with a personality.”

Dr Offenhausle would not elaborate as to how difficult the procedure had been, but given the fact that Sophie now seems to smile and give answers of longer than two words when interviewed it would indicate that the surgery had been successful. When pressed, Dr Offenhausle added “To be honest, I wasn’t sure it would work – especially in a case as extreme as Sophie’s. When your client posesses the warmth and charm of a Speak and Spell without batteries, you know you’re going to earn your money. We actually suggested the hair dye and push–up bra as a back up plan, because the public can spot a fake personality a mile away.”

It was feared, even after the success of the operation, that Sophie’s body would simply reject the personality completely. Apparently the drugs used to combat this have left her looking pale, although if you can spot that difference you’re a better judge of shades of white than we are.

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God to put power quotes on the dust jacket of Bible

In a shock tactic announced today, God has indicated his intention to play hard-ball with the other players on the fiction shelf of your local bookstore. While not quite fire and brimstone, the measure seems to indicate that the entity known affectionately as “the holy ghost” is maybe sick of having the limelight stolen by other, lesser authors.

A spokesperson for the creator of all things admitted “In todays info-bite society with dwindling attention spans, it just wasn’t good market sense to stick with our plain cover. The gold lettering and leather bound style of the old bible was so last millennium.”

“When you’re up against stuff like ‘Stephen King’s most terrifying work yet – The Telegraph and ‘Ben Elton does it again – a laugh out loud pageturner – The Guardian, that good old Amish minamilism wasn’t exactly making our book leap off of the shelves into shopping baskets.”

Which power quotes the Bible will make use of is another matter, although hotly tipped to adorn the rear cover are:

“Simply stunning – this is God’s best work since the Old Testament. A gripping yarn that will silence the critics once and for all.” – Pope John Paul II

“Religion-tastic!!!” – The Sun

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