Okay, there’s a reason I haven’t been posting much recently. My relationship with Fliss – probably the most important thing to me in the world, has been on rocky ground over the last couple of weeks. Although it’s nothing I don’t believe we cant fix if we are patient and put some effort into it, it has been extremely hard emotionally.
When the one constant in your life over the last, well, four years almost, becomes an uncertain glance at something you most fear, it can really take it out on you.
I sit here with the beginnings of a throat infection, coughing away and sucking on losenges that got sickening after the first taste. Worst of all, I sit here alone, since Fliss has gone to stay with her friend until the weekend.
A couple of months ago, living in a large house seemed like a great idea. Now it seems so empty and hollow, to go along with how I feel myself at the moment. I’m almost scared of being alone with my own thoughts. I think a lot – sometimes too much, I’ve been told, and right now there are a lot of doubts, uncertainties and fears just zooming around in my mind so quickly it’s almost deafening.
The speed of this transformation has been frightening – a month ago I could not have been happier with my life and the way things were going. In just a few short weeks I feel like I’ve been cheated of that happiness due things I cant control. That’s what’s so frustrating about the situation and what makes me feel so helpless.
Right now I’d trade anything to feel the way I did a month or so ago – blissfully unaware that my whole world was so delicately balanced.
Sure, things might turn around and I’ll be able to thank my lucky stars that we’re on the right track again.
But then there’s that nagging doubt that my luck might just have run out. Time will tell, and it will heal too. For now it’s just the present that hurts.